Dear Tiggy,
I’m a lesbian and I have been married to my bisexual partner for four years. For the last three months, she has lost all sexual interest in me. In other ways, our relationship is very good; we hardly ever fight. We’ve spoken openly about this problem and the only source for it seems to be that she is going through a “phase” where she is more interested in men.
I am really trying to be understanding and not put any pressure on her. We still love each other and she said that she does not want to have an open relationship. I’m just worried. Do you think this is really just a phase and that her feelings for me will return?
–Willa
Dear Willa,
Yes, from what you’ve described, I think this is just a phase. Understandably, this is all unsettling for you. But I hope it heartens you to remember that it’s only been a few months, whereas you’ve been together and making it work for years. Furthermore, you’re doing the tough but necessary work of communicating, and you’ve already concluded that she’s not aiming to change the terms of your relationship.
I do think that this may be about something else, though. Sure, we all know that even in monogamous relationships, other folks rev our engines now and again. But it’s interesting that she’s having a “boy phase” while she’s in a monogamous relationship that she doesn’t want to exit or amend, and it’s at the point where months pass when she doesn’t feel like having sex at all. I think you’re subtly asking me if this is a bi thing and, no, I don’t think it is. I’d wager that she’s subconsciously pushing you away. Is it also possible that she’s crushing on a specific man?
Keep talking to her, Willa. I believe she has more to say but she’s summoning the nerve. Luckily, you two are starting from such a solid place that you have an excellent chance of weathering this storm.
–Tiggy
Are you a bi lady in need of some good advice? Write to Tiggy Upland at tiggyupland@gmail.com. This advice column is for entertainment purposes only. The columnist reserves the right to edit the letters for any reason. Find more Ask Tiggy on www.biresource.net.