What I Want

Jun 27, 2021 | 2018 Winter - What I Want

By NekoFirefoxy

All my life I’ve wanted things: things of material and immaterial worth, things I could easily achieve, and things that might be impossible to fulfill. The things I’ve wanted have changed with each stage of my life. Ever since I started a relationship with a bisexual man, we’ve encountered biphobia, bi erasure, and accusations of using straight-passing privilege. These incidents only escalated when we got married. With every incident of biphobia, I’ve grown in my desire to change how bisexuals are viewed, both as individuals and in couples. Successfully battling biphobia and bi erasure, just like finding equality in the LGBTQ+ universe, feels like a wish that I’ll never fulfill, but it is one of my biggest aspirations. Even though what I want most might be impossible to find, it doesn’t stop me from doing every little thing I can to work toward it. Still, the feeling of not doing enough is overwhelming, especially when I look at the big picture and realize how much more needs to be done. I know I can’t change how people identify couples within an instant using binary standards, regardless of how much I want to, but I can make an attempt with each person crossing our path. It has been tough to accept that I often won’t succeed, even when I try my hardest.

We are all different and want different things. I can’t assume that the things I want and which I view as good for myself and/or my partner will have the same importance to others. To want something is always a bit selfish, even if it also small for ourselves like a pampering day at a spa or we take part in a community effort, it always feels better to go from “I want” to “I did.” I can want anything in the world, but if I never get up to do something, none of the things I want will ever start to make me happy.

To solely focus on the big things we want makes us forget how much impact our small wishes can have. No matter how honorable my big goals are, what I really want and cherish are the small things in life: to wake up every morning next to my husband and to see him smile, to be greeted by our cat when I come home, to feel safe when I can rest my head on the shoulder of my loved one, to be assured that no matter what I’m surrounded by people who love and accept me, and to know that sometimes the most minor and most random acts can make us happy. We often forget that the most common things for us can be exactly what another person wants the most – a smile, a shoulder to lean on, a friendly word, a warm hug, to stand up for someone else. These small actions don’t cost us money; they just involve shifting our focus from ourselves to others.

What I really want is to make someone else happy whether they’re someone I know or a stranger whose path I might never cross again.

And maybe each of these little actions along the way might lead toward those higher goals.

NekoFirefoxy, 37, currently lives with her husband in Zurich, Switzerland, where she works as a back-office administrator. She identifies as bisexual and has never made a secret of it.


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