By Jan Steckel
When I was 21, searching for housing
in a renter’s market in Berkeley,
It was so tight that people put ads
out for “vegan lesbian Buddhist
health care professionals under 30
seek same to share sunny apartment.
No Taurus or Aquarius.”
After looking at 30 places, I finally
got accepted to share a two-bedroom
apartment with a young woman
who held the lease.
She was a serious Christian
with a boyfriend who’d be over a lot.
She didn’t mind that I was Jewish.
I gave her first and last month’s rent,
moved in my stuff, told the other
29 people I’d found a place.
“My friend reminded me,” she said,
“I forgot to ask you something.”
She needed to make sure
we had the same lifestyle.
It took me a while to understand
she was asking if I was gay.
I said, “I’ve only ever been
with men, but I think I’m bisexual,
so I might have a relationship
with a woman someday.” She tore up
my check. Told me to get my stuff out
by the end of the day.
I called you crying and explained.
“What did you tell her that for?”
you demanded. “Because it’s true,”
I sobbed. “I wouldn’t have felt
comfortable rooming with you, either!”
you said angrily. I asked if I
could stay at your house
while I looked for another place.
You said “okay” with ill grace.
Before you died, you got all
PC about lesbians, but never
got comfortable with male
homosexuality. When your son
told you he had experimented
with men, you were pissed off.
“Anything else you want to tell me?”
you asked, glaring at him.
When I knew you were going to die,
I thought about talking about this
with you, but I couldn’t bring it up.
I was involved in your care by then.
The time never seemed right.
It’s not the worst thing you ever
said or did to me. Once, I showed you
my poem about my mother (your sister)
leaving bruises on me when I was a kid.
I showed them to my father, who ignored them.
“Don’t ever publish this” was all you said.
I still loved you,
Jan
Jan Steckel is a poet and writer who lives in Oakland, California, in the U.S. Her books are available at https://www.zeitgeist-press.com/index.php/authors/jan-steckel .