By Robyn Ochs
Just before my 18th birthday
I realized I was most definitely bisexual
I was terrified.
I didn’t know what it would mean for my life
I feared it would cost me family, friends, jobs.
I feared.
And so I remained silent.
Finally, at age 23, I told one person.
Then another.
And another.
Finally, I was out.
I felt SO much better.
I moved to Boston
Got a job working at a university.
(we have lots of universities here in Boston)
At my first job, I didn’t mention my girlfriend.
I didn’t tell anyone I was bi.
I was afraid of how my co-workers might respond.
At my second job, rumor was the boss was uncomfortable that an unmarried couple was living together.
A man-woman kind of couple.
I decided it wouldn’t be safe to come out as bi at this job!
I didn’t tell anyone I was bi.
At my third job, I decided
I could be silent no longer.
It was time to come out.
I waited a whole year.
Why did I wait?
I was afraid my sexuality would distract people from my competence.
I was afraid people would judge me.
I was afraid people would see me as less competent.
I was afraid people would see me as less professional.
For a year, I didn’t tell anyone at work I was bi.
Then I finally came out.
What a relief.
A few people made strange comments:
“So, you’re bi? How does your partner feel about sharing you with other people?”
Huh? I said I identify as bisexual.
I did not say I was in an open relationship.
That’s a different subject.
“Why do you need to say this? Sex has no place in the workplace.”
Huh? I am not talking about sex.
I am telling you my identity.
I am telling you who I have capacity to love.
I have never discussed what I do in the bedroom.
Besides, you talk about YOUR marriage all the time.
I hardly ever talk about my relationship at work.
It’s hard to come out as bi because people think you’re talking about sex…
…when you’re really talking about identity
Did you know that bi folks are much less likely than lesbians or gay men to be out at work?
Still, it was a relief to finally be out at work.
Finally, I felt whole.
I went to a meeting of a new employee group formed to address workplace issues facing lesbian and gay people.
A few of us made sure that they added “bisexual” to the name.
There was pushback, but “bisexual” was added.
Still, lots of people continued to say “lesbian and gay.”
That made me feel erased, ignored, excluded.
But I stuck it out.
Out of the 40 or so regular members, I was one of only two out bi folks in our group.
When someone would say something offensive to bi folks,
Everyone would turn and look at me and Marcia,
Waiting to see if we would say something.
That was bad ally behavior.
They should have spoken up.
They should have said something.
There were other folks in the group I knew identified as bi
But they didn’t feel comfortable speaking up.
That made me sad.
That group stopped meeting.
Fast forward several years:
We started a new LGBT employee group.
A few bi folks showed up, and stayed.
Bi folks were visible in our ERG from the start.
Our employer made significant policy changes to address the needs of LGBTQ+ people.
Bi folks were welcome because we were visible in leadership.
For a while, I served as co-chair of the group.
It’s important to show up.
It’s important to be visible.
It’s important to speak up.
invisi lity really hurts us.
visibility really helps us.
Speak up if you can!
By being visible you can make a difference.
You can be a beacon.
I have now identified as bisexual for 40 years. So far.
I am silent no longer.
I am #stillbisexual.
Robyn Ochs lives in Boston, Massachusetts, in the U.S. She is a global speaker, a writer, and editor of Bi Women Quarterly. She wrote this 10 years ago for a #stillbisexual video. You can find this video and many powerful stories on YouTube at youtube.com/hashtag/
