By Rae
We’re spinning ’round in this room
No one knows what’s going on
We’re dancing in the grey
And on a route to the moon
Masked by the overcast
Dancing in the grey in this place
In this place
Excerpt from the song “Dancing in the Grey”
by Michael Malarkey (2015)
Maybe you’re right. Maybe I am confused. I’m torn between men and women and masculine and feminine and horny and sex-repulsed.
Maybe it is all because of big T (Trauma), and what I feel is my identity is actually all just because what I went through literally changed the chemical make-up of my brain, tore my trust into shreds, and left me as desperate to forget myself as to find approval and love from anyone who would offer it.
Maybe some days I feel weird about my breasts because I don’t want to feel sexual and I don’t want people to look and I don’t want to remember all the things that happened. Maybe I don’t feel attracted to strangers because the idea of someone I don’t know very well touching me fills me with dread and panic. Maybe I am drawn to women because I want to avoid him and drawn to men because I want to avoid her.
But why does it matter why? Can’t I have the space to be those stereotypes? To be a bisexual demisexual non-binary human-fucking-being without you questioning my “truth” and ignoring what I say? Isn’t it enough that I feel this way? Why must you refuse to see what I see in myself?
Take your black and white and leave me be.
Let me dance in the grey.
I’m twirling in the in-between spaces of gender and sex and sexuality and I don’t need you to join me. I would be fine if it was a solo routine but I’ve found my partner (it’s not you) and he is spinning around with me and holding my hand and he casts light into the shadows when I can’t even see the edges of my own silhouette anymore.
And, you know what, he still lets me be blurry and change shape when I need.
Maybe you’re the one who is confused.
Rae lives in Oxford, United Kingdom, where they research bisexual culture and history. When they aren’t studying, they’re playing and designing games, painting, or spending time with found family.