Interview by Ellyn Ruthstrom
I met Denise at the Bi Women’s Rap at the Women’s Center in Cambridge in the late 90s. She was a part of that thriving group for several years, eventually becoming its facilitator. After that, she facilitated the Married But Not Straight group at the Women’s Center and branched off to start another similar group west of Boston. Her own journey from stay-at-home suburban mom to PhD professional educator is inspirational. I am uplifted by Denise’s enthusiasm for life, her desire to help others, and her ability to tell it like it is. It was a thrill to sit down with her and share her experiences with our community.
Ellyn Ruthstrom: What does the term “bisexual” mean to you? How does it apply to your life?
Denise Garrow-Pruitt: Freedom. That’s what it means to me. Free to be me. Which is not something I can always say I’ve been able to do. It gives me opportunity to live the way I want to and not to have to justify it.
ER: How did you come to terms with your bi identity when you were coming out?
DGP: Not having to pick just one side or the other made it easier. If I don’t have to clearly define anything, I can just live in that moment and not worry about it. That’s where I feel my life is. There are places in between straight and gay. I always felt I can love this person or that person and I could change it up if I want to.
ER: Was it a difficult process in the beginning?
DGP: It was pure confusion. I think deep down I always knew, but I just never acknowledged it. Once I could acknowledge it and embrace it I was fine. I knew I could just be me and it didn’t matter and there was no need to explain it all away.
ER: As a woman of color, how do you experience being an out bi woman in communities of color?
DGP: I can’t really say that my color has had much to do with it. Most people in my life have been very accepting. Some of my flexibility comes from the fact of being a minority all of my life—you figure out how to maneuver around things. If people don’t accept you, move on to people who do. I don’t waste my time with people and their ignorance. But luckily most people accept. I do still have a few friends who are lesbian who just don’t get the bi thing. Still trying to convert me and it’s not going to happen. (Laughs.)
ER: You facilitated the Bi Women’s Rap group and the Married But Not Straight group at the Women’s Center for many years. What did you learn through those experiences?
DGP: I discovered how to give to myself and how to take what I had learned and give it to someone else. It gets very isolating when you feel you are the only one and it can be empowering once you know how to live your life. It’s been great for me because being an educator has helped me to learn a lot more about myself. And sometimes I wasn’t brave enough to learn for myself but I did it for other people.
Living out in the suburbs is really tough for women who get caught in a marriage and later figure out it’s not their real life’s path and struggle with that. For a woman who’s been married a long time, who’s a stay-at-home mom, whose whole life is surrounded with husband and kids, finding that identity, and giving yourself permission to actually do it—you spend so much time taking care of other people and you never give to yourself.
ER: Do you think that support groups like those are important?
DGP: Absolutely. My quest was to find women who were newly coming out and help them get on the path where they needed to be. I wanted to be there because I know how very hard that is. Once they come to terms with where they are at and what they are going to do with their family I kind of feel that my work is done.
After several years, I realized how many hundreds of women I had helped, and realized my job was done here. It was time to step back and move on to the next part of my life. I needed to focus on me and my career for a little while.
Once I get to my next plateau I can give back again. Put some money into the community and maybe do something bigger. When I started out I was still a stay-at-home mom with no means of support for myself. But I’ve become very independent since then and have educated myself into a career, so now I can give back monetarily to the community whereas before I had nothing to give. I’d like to open a home for women to stay in during that transition time. That’s my next thing. It’s so needed. You know what you want to do but you just don’t have the financial means to do it. And you have to stay because your only means of support is the husband, especially if you’ve never worked outside the home. A lot of women fall into that. It’s noble to be that great mom and stay at home, but where does it leave you if you now have to become independent? I’d like to do something to help with that transition.
ER: How does it feel to live in Massachusetts where you can marry your girlfriend?
DGP: Oh, my god, it feels fantastic. I’m so glad to live here. I’ve always said that Massachusetts is the greatest place to live: the greatest hospitals, the greatest colleges, and now we have same-sex marriage. It’s a perfect world. It doesn’t get any better. In so many places, you can spend your whole life loving someone and you can’t get married—what’s that about?
ER: How have you experienced biphobia in your life?
DGP: I don’t know if it’s biphobia or if it’s people just needing to be educated. It’s interesting because when I do come out to people and I say, “I’m bisexual” and they say “What does that mean?” Oh, I used to be married to a man, now I’m married to a woman. The options are open wherever I want to go with this. “Well, aren’t you going to be married to her forever?” Maybe. Maybe not. Who knows?
ER: Nobody knows.
DGP: Sometimes people think once you divorce a man and go with a woman you are a lesbian. No, the desires stay the same. You still look at a man and say, “He’s cute.”
We’re living in a more educated society now. In the circles I travel in, people get it. And the kids—college-aged kids—they get it. Everyone is so sexually fluid. It’s great to be among people who get it. But I want the older people to get it. And when you talk with them and explain more, they do.
ER: The theme of this newsletter is “Bi & Single.” From your earlier experience of being bi and single…
DGP: I’ve never been bi and single. I was married to a man right up to the time that Rhonda and I entered a committed relationship. I haven’t had a lot of dating time. I’ve had a lot of committed relationship time. I’ll tell you what I do remember. This is the core of the married women’s group. When you are trying to transition out of that marriage and you are trying to find yourself and you are trying to find a relationship with someone who understands that you’ve just had this self-discovery about yourself, you can’t go from A to Z in a second. What you have to do is transition out of the marriage, transition the family in a way that is going to work with your ex in your life and then find someone to be in your life who understands that the marriage is not over overnight. It’s not realistic to think that there’s going to be someone who says, “Sure, I accept you, your husband and your kids and I’m willing to take that chance that you are going to stay with me and not go back to him.” When you meet somebody, you need to be honest up front. I always tell people, “Do not lie to people. Never tell someone you are not married.”
In the beginning, which would have been my single dating time, it was difficult because I was finding people that I liked a lot but I couldn’t make that full commitment because I still had my husband and my children at home and they were my priorities. Then there was time for me and I was spending it with someone else. That time was limited and I had to go back home. And I found out over and over again, things would start out great with someone and then somewhere along the line they would say “What do you mean you’re still with your husband?” Did you not get in every conversation that I was still married? “Yeah, I did, but I thought it would be over.” But it really takes a good year for you to get out of a situation and be stable and that time is the hardest.
ER: What do you appreciate about the Boston bi community?
DGP: For me it was my lifeline. I did an online search and found the Bisexual Resource Center. Wayne was my first contact on the phone. I talked to him and he made me feel that everything was OK and he invited me to come out to a meeting. And I wasn’t having it. I was not going public. Then I called back and I think I got Alan the second time. He was very supportive, and that made the difference for me. Someone said to me on the other end of the line, “It’s OK, you’re going to be OK. Doesn’t matter if it’s this week, next week, six years from now, we’re going to be here.” For me, that reassurance was the greatest thing. And I finally did get it together to go to a meeting. Wesley met me at the door and said he was going to walk in with me. Then I got a call maybe two days after the meeting, just checking up on me and saying, “We were just worried about you.” When that voice came over on the phone, I was like, “Are you serious, you are calling me up?” Wow. “We want you to come back, we want you to know it’s OK.”
Wayne told me about the group at the Women’s Center and gave me some contacts. I’m thinking, these guys are seriously helping me. It was so cool, no strings attached, no anything. And I started going to the Women’s Center and met a slew of people and the journey began. I’ll never forget that first call. It took every bit of strength I had to call. It was meant to be. Seven or eight years after that I asked them, do you remember me? And they said, “Sort of, but we get those calls all the time.” Here I thought it was all about me.
ER: I want to use that as a commercial.
DGP: I don’t think they realize what they really do. I wonder how many lives the folks at the BRC have saved and they don’t even know it.
Ellyn is a past editor of Bi Women and President of the BRC.