By Zori Paul
As someone who was aware of being attracted to multiple gender identities at a young age, I never daydreamed about my wedding or future husband/partner like I know other girls in my friend group did. But as a ’90s kid who watched too much TV, shows like Living Single with Queen Latifah, Kim Fields, Kim Coles, Erika Alexander, John Henton, and Terrence C. Carson showed a future that I looked forward to having as an adult. Living Single allowed me to daydream of growing up and living in community with my friends, essentially having an endless sleepover with them where we supported each other, navigated life, and made important decisions together. I also think of the original Full House series similarly, imagining a future where I could imagine living with my closest friends and platonically co-parenting our kids together, where our friendship was equally as important and centered as any romantic relationships in our lives.
In many Western cultures, “friendship” is often positioned in a way that reminds me of how many people view bisexuality. Both are often undervalued and overlooked, and can challenge our binary understandings of intimacy. Bisexuality is an identity often associated with fluidity and expansiveness that can go beyond not only the gender binary, but also against the assumption of a default hierarchy of relationships—the idea that romantic relationships are more important than non-romantic relationships. When intentionally incorporated into one’s identity, bisexuality could decenter romantic relationships as the ideal form of relationship we were all told to strive towards.
A queer platonic relationship, or QPR, is a deeply committed, emotional, and intimate relationship that fits neither within the categories of “romantic” nor “just friends.” QPRs are relationships that, though platonic, involve a greater level of intentionality, intimacy, and commitment than “traditional” friendships. Similar to bisexuality, QPRs, as one form of queer kinship, disrupt binaries and the compulsory scripts around attraction and relationships, where the larger cisheteronormative society often forces a “one side or the other” perspective.
Just as bisexuality challenges monosexism—the belief that people can only be attracted to one gender—queer platonic relationships push back against compulsory romance or the assumption that romantic partnership should be everyone’s primary or ultimate bond. QPRs dismiss narratives that reinforce systems of patriarchy and heteronormativity, while also providing an alternative way of forming and sustaining meaningful relationships. Though QPRs are more often found in research focusing on asexual and/or aromantic individuals, recent research focusing on bi+ identities highlights the importance of affirming relationships in the lives of bi+ folks.
In a 2017 study, researcher Samantha R. DeCapua examined bi+ women’s experiences with binegativity—stereotypes, stigmas, and negative beliefs towards those identifying as bisexual+—in romantic relationships with either men or women. The 10 predominantly white bisexual women reported binegative experiences that aligned with common stereotypes regarding the bi+ community and bi+ women from their romantic partners, regardless of gender. However the bi+ women with partners who were men also encountered objectification and hypersexualization from their partners. Binegative experiences were also found to influence participants with regard to how they pursued and perceived relationships; leading many to internalize binegativity due to preemptively preparing for binegativity even before getting into a relationship. This can have negative impacts on bi+ women’s psychological well-being and perception of their bisexuality. A potential limitation of this study, however, is it does not explore other forms of relationships—specifically meaningful platonic ones—that these bi+ women might have, and how those may protect these women’s sense of self and confidence regarding their bisexuality.
In a study published in 2024, researchers Allison E. Cipriano and Kathryn J. Holland sought to understand the nature and perceived impacts of bisexual and other plurisexual (pansexual, queer, fluid, etc.) women’s bipositive experiences to better understand how bipositivity—positive thoughts and feelings about being bi+—could be better fostered. Twenty-five plurisexual predominantly white cisgender women were interviewed, focusing on how their understanding and meaning-making of bipositive experiences fostered bi+ affirming bonds in their lives. Not only did this study align with previous studies on the positive impacts of having a romantic relationship with a partner who affirmed their plurisexual identities, but it also highlighted the influence of affirmation from platonic sources. Plurisexual women reported positivity when they bonded with other plurisexual women, as well as experiencing acceptance and affirmation from monosexual allies.
The researchers also found that having access to reliable and safe queer spaces and engaging in media representations of plurisexuality also fostered bipositivity. This study shows the bipositive effects that friendship with others, both those who identify as bi+ and those who don’t, can be important to positive psychological outcomes for plurisexual women. Participants highlighted not only the importance of disclosing their plurisexual identity to others, but also the importance of finding and building community across sexual identities. Though this study focuses more on behaviors that affirm relationships than the previously mentioned study, it does not go into the depth of the bonds these women experience within their friendships, or the direct impacts of these relationships on experiences of binegativity in other forms of relationships.
Although there has been previous research on bi+ women and friendship, there has been little research in the last decade that revisits the topic from a bipositive perspective and focuses on bi+ folks who seek alternative forms of relationships beyond monogamous romantic relationships. However, broader queer research has already begun to rethink intimacy and move away from heteronormativity in romantic relationships, and to focus on other relational perspectives, such as relationship anarchy, a philosophy that rejects default hierarchies and scripts in relationships and encourages people to define relationships through mutual consent, autonomy, and intentional care, rather than social norms. Though not all friendships may lead to queerplatonic relationships, thinking beyond romantic relationships and rearranging how we think of the worth and importance of some relationships over others allows bi+ women the opportunity to practice comfort and support with relational fluidity, offering stability and bipositivity amid marginalization/microaggressions in dating/romantic relationships.
To think back to the 1990 Bisexual Manifesto, if “bisexuality is a whole, fluid identity,” why wouldn’t that fluidity apply to our relationship structures as well?
References
Cipriano, A. E., & Holland, K. J. (2024). The nature and perceived effects of bipositivity among plurisexual women. Journal of Bisexuality, 24(2), 111-149.
https://doi.org/10.1080/15299716.2024.2309406
DeCapua, S. R. (2017). Bisexual women’s experiences with binegativity in romantic relationships. Journal of Bisexuality, 17(4), 451-472.
https://doi.org/10.1080/15299716.2017.1382424
Kenney, T. N. (2020). Thinking asexually: Sapin-sapin, asexual assemblages, and the queer possibilities of platonic relationalities. Feminist Formations, 32(3), 1-23.
Zori Paul, PhD, LPC, NCC is a U.S.-based licensed professional counselor, counselor educator, and researcher. Her research focuses on the well-being of those with multiple marginalized identities, specifically bisexual+ women of color.