By Jessica Skultety
When I came out to myself, I began looking
For information
Because I only knew two other bi people
And I hadn’t come out to them yet.
Private mode—I didn’t want the
Algorithm to see what
Only I knew.
No one around.
“Leave your husband, and how to do it!”
(many like this),
Divorce lawyers,
Stories of marriages falling apart,
High statistics of domestic and sexual violence—
Some of the highest are for bi folks.
“I’m afraid my partner will leave me,”
A few queer elders discussing their regrets,
More divorce lawyers.
What if I hoped my marriage would stay intact?
What if I dreamed of a life where I could
Share my identity safely with the people who mattered
And maybe even the world one day
So another queer kid in my life wouldn’t have to go through
What I did?
What if I was looking for joy,
Some confirmation that the life I love
Wouldn’t burst into flames?
“I was an ally for years,”
“Try out the Kinsey scale!”
“How to have a polyamorous relationship,”
“How to tell your husband you want a threesome
With a woman,”
“How to come out to your kids,”
And the quizzes—“How bi are you? Are you
Actually a lesbian?”
If I had to write a piece, I’d write about
The feeling of knowing yourself, coming to terms
With the ridiculous culture
of compulsory heterosexuality and how that
Wasn’t my fault. How I wish I’d figured myself
Out earlier and come
Out earlier but now that I know, I’m the happiest
I’ve been. How the assumptions about
Bi folks are unending, and they mean nothing because
We’re all so gorgeously different.
I’d write about how lovely, luckily, my friends and family
Have been, the support and community
I’ve been able to find, the way I sob through every
Queer TV show more than ever
Because I see myself there, and the
Characters are finally there, too.
The way I walk up to my house, where
I’m feeling safer and
Proud enough to hang up a Pride flag,
The way I feel when I spot little rainbows
On my bookcase, swag from the parades,
The way my husband runs up to me and squeezes me, saying:
“Look! I found a bi!”
It’s funny how much can happen in a year.
How much can change, how much I changed
How much my life changed—it was scary and awful
And anxious at times, but it doesn’t change the reality that
I feel the most true to myself right now
On July 28, 2023 than I ever have, and
The internet had little to do with it.
Jess Skultety is a poet, crafter, and author working on a queer romantic fantasy series. She lives in northwestern NJ with her husband and cat-shadow-writing-buddy. @jessskultetyauthor