By Diana Dickey
There are many chapters between this letter and where you are now. I know you well enough to know that you are not likely to believe some of what I’m about to tell you, so I am going to skip ahead and let you know that someday you are going to fucking love yourself. (I also understand that my use of the “F” word may be a bit shocking to you!)
You are trying so hard to do the right thing, but you are making yourself miserable in the process. Your world is so very small right now, and the spaces you are trying to fit into and the people you call your people are not your spaces or your people. When you start speaking up and calling out injustice, you will quickly learn that they were never your people. In your 50s, you will be on a quest to find new people. That is going to be challenging, but it will be okay. You are going to deal with some trauma. You will learn firsthand that family is not necessarily defined by DNA. You will find an amazing therapist who will help you unpack all of this and build your life back. Speaking of DNA, one day you will take a DNA test, meet some amazing relatives you never knew you had, and learn that your heritage is so much broader and more beautiful and diverse than anyone ever told you.
One of the things that you are doing well—and that you need to continue to do—is to have an open mind and always learn. Even though you’re in a place now that doesn’t appreciate independent or critical thinking, you’re doing it. Keep it up! You are going to learn so much about yourself and slowly understand who you truly are. Right now, you keep a lot buried deep down while also trying to stand for something that isn’t you—not just yet. Hold on, though, because that day is coming, and when it does, you will finally start to experience inner peace and freedom and find your passion. You’re going to learn new terms and new ways of understanding yourself and others (bi? pan? demi? ace?). Then, some of those people who were never your people will tell you how wrong you are for advocating for the LGBTQA+ community. (Remember, they were never your people!) Also, on a lighter note, as a former English teacher, you will silently delight in the fact that the whole world now knows what a pronoun is.
I’m not going to give you any advice since you probably won’t listen, but trust me, one day you are going to wake up and fucking love yourself!
Diana Dickey lives in the Pacific Northwest of the United States and when not working at her day job, she loves to work on LGBTQA+ causes and to travel.