By Sally Goldner
Allyship is simply a form of human kindness. It says, “what can I do (and not do) that would be good for you?” Yet, despite this simplicity, it often seems hard to achieve in practice. In that light, what are the qualities needed to start achieving this kindness and what might be the blocks to getting there?
Good qualities for allies include:
Humility: No human can be the perfect ally because we don’t automatically know everything about every group, or each individual and their situation. Yes, there’s this wonderful modern technology called the internet that can give us some broad ideas—e.g., bi+ is a valid sexual/romantic orientation, using name in use is important for TGDNB (Trans, Gender Diverse, and Non-Binary) people—which can help. But it’s okay to have the humility to not know something and admitting that to yourself is okay. So how to find out the information that will achieve allyship?
Listening as part of communication skills: I personally define listening as receiving information. This at least gets past the first and most basic level of “hearing words” (which often many people don’t do at all or do well). It means effectively taking in and ensuring understanding of what the other party/ies want to achieve. It’s also worth noting that listening, particularly in LGBTIQA+ communities, will need to accommodate neurodivergence and the varied and valid ways of interpreting information.
Being trauma-informed: Many people and communities needing allyship face, to varying degrees, a range of negative behaviors such as discrimination, vilification, and violence at both the group and individual levels. This can often result in feelings of rejection, abandonment, frustration, anger, etc. that in turn create trauma. Being trauma-informed is therefore important when building allyship and then moving higher to being an accomplice to ensure a real and deeper understanding is achieved.
What, therefore, might be blocks to developing these qualities? (Note, these are not excuses; it’s about acknowledging them and then doing what needs to be done to enable moving beyond them.)
Ideas about leadership: Most of our ideas around leadership come from “male/masculine” perspectives: “take charge, get there and do it” (did you hear some sort of male football coach’s voice saying that?). The idea that leadership involves doing what someone else wants can seem opposite to these perspectives. “Female/feminine” ideas involving empathy, compassion, and humility may initially seem to counter these ideas; of course, the truth is they both need to be put into practice with balance according to the circumstances.
“Busyness”: Being an ally/accomplice and listening may take time. Often, busyness and impatience can get in the way when “busy” people want quick solutions. This sort of short-term and efficient thinking may also stop people from listening and communicating carefully.
Blocks/unconscious bias/simply not knowing: We all have these and again, that’s okay so long as they only occur once at most for each block and people are willing to learn and overcome the block.
Overcoming the blocks: As a speaker and educator, I sometimes do a quick survey on whether people have received structured training in listening skills. With the obvious exception of counseling/similar professionals, one in twenty received such training prior to age 18 (school years for most people) and maybe five in 20 thereafter.
Blocks to listening include things like distractions (especially phones), busyness/impatience, and being time-poor. And one other big one; our own emotional blockages can stop us taking in and understanding another person’s perspective. Emotions in themselves are not necessarily “bad”; it’s when they damage others or stop us from achieving allyship and being an accomplice that they are a problem. Also “positive” emotions can block us from seeing another perspective and becoming better allies and accomplices. If something makes us “happy,” it may be that we refuse to look at its downside/s.
A blockage to being open to being trauma-informed can be highly masculine ideas along the lines of “get over it” or “toughen up.” Throw them out—enough said.
I would be the first to admit to experiencing these blocks in varying degrees at times. I have tried to commit to a value of curiosity – being open to learning— to overcome these blocks.
Ultimately, I believe that when we grow ourselves we can in turn be better leaders and allies.
Sally Goldner is a diversity educator, speaker, life coach, and emcee who started her professional life in accounting. She lives and works on Kulin lands, has been involved in Victoria’s LGBTIQA+ communities for close to 30 years including being a founding member of Transgender Victoria. She currently serves on the committees of three organizations, Bi Plus Pride Victoria, Just.Equal Australia and Transfamily and presents 3CR’s “Out of the Pan” podcast. She is also a participant in different aspects of professional wrestling and an occasional performer.