By J.M. Arrow
Damn your pretty eyes
Damn your high cheekbones
Damn your cute ears
Damn your beautiful full mouth
Damn that you’re a guy
As I occasionally passed by him in the street, I pretended to ignore him, even though we were classmates. He would never be into me, a tomboy whom girls kept away from, let alone befriended. I was never supposed to be attracted to him, either.
The books on my shelves screamed out ‘women only’ love. I had lots of lady crushes. But none for men. Until Angelo. I didn’t care that my neighborhood was after my blood as an out lesbian of color and faith. I was a gay schoolgirl of sixteen, far from sweet and proud of it. I had really hoped that Angelo was a lesbian like me but he turned out to be a bloke. An actual guy that I was attracted to.
I never got to speak to the guy who made it okay for me to like fellas.
My first kiss was with a woman. My first relationship was with a woman. Leanne. The first thing she said to me when we settled into a relationship was “I hope you’re not bisexual. I can’t stand bisexuals.” So I had to pretend I wasn’t because, first love.
Being monogamous had nothing to do with my sexual orientation, but it sure did create a smokescreen for the ignorant. I had to be seen as either straight or gay in order to have a “proper” relationship.
Otherwise, coming out as bisexual meant this:
“Can we have a threesome then?”
“Ok, so how long have we got before you run away with a guy? “
“Are you ever going to get yourself sorted out?”
As time went by I never forgot Angelo or Leanne. You don’t forget your firsts, do you?
I’m now with a partner I love and who loves me unconditionally in return, no longer needing smokescreens or pretensions. Gender is irrelevant, captain. I don’t have to hide from others. I don’t have to hide the person I am, or the people who I’ve been with or loved. Most of all, I don’t have to hide from myself.
JM Arrow is a queer woman of faith (Muslim) and color from the UK. She is in the midst of writing her first novel and short stories about women of color. Including fan fiction. Yup.