By Robyn Ochs
In the spring of 2024, I was invited to keynote a digital conference, LGBTQ+ Elders in an Ever-Changing World. Intrigued, I accepted the invitation and got to work. I know a lot about bisexual people, but—other than being in the process of becoming an elder myself—I had read little on this subject. Fortunately, I know folks who also know a lot about bi+ people. I asked them what resources were out there, and what I should read. I soon learned that there was very little written on this specific topic. I read what I could find, and some of it (special shout out to the work of BobBi Keppel) was very helpful.
I wanted to bring the voices and perspectives of actual bi+ elders into my keynote, and so I conducted a small, qualitative study. Using what I call my #BiHive (my personal and social media contacts), I interviewed 11 seniors, ranging in age from 62-91. Interviews were conducted on Zoom, by phone, or by email. Some people requested that their actual first name be used; others selected pseudonyms.
I asked each person demographic questions (age, gender identity, geographic location, whether they live at home or in assisted living, current relationship status, race, ability/disability status, etc.), and several open-ended questions about their beliefs and preferences.
One question was: “In your opinion, in what ways are the experiences/needs of bi+ elders similar/distinct from those of lesbian or gay elders?”
Reported similarities included:
“We share a common experience of oppression and battle scars. We are not accepted by many in mainstream society.” (BobBi, 91)
“Gay is gay to a lot of people. If you say you’re bi, straight people think that’s just part of the gay.” (Loraine, 76)
“For bi men, the impact of the AIDS pandemic. We’ve experienced the death of so many of our peers, and also the natural deaths and ailments that come with age.” (Ron, 81)
“I would never hide that my kids have two moms, thus invalidating their life experience.” (Laurie, 62, now partnered with a man)
“For some of us, there is no difference that I can think of: I identify as bi, but I live as lesbian.” (Rose, 71)
Differences included:
“Bi folks have to deal with the bi negativity that we’ve had to deal with at every age. For women, the worst oppression we experience is from lesbians. Assuming we live long enough to be old, we have all that experience. I’ve noticed that older lesbians are more oppressive of bis than are younger lesbians.” (BobBi, 91)
“The trauma of being ostracized doesn’t go away. Some lesbians and gay men have done to bisexual people what was done to them by others.” (Ron, 81)
“I do not feel understood as a bi person. Hardly anyone here has even a glimmer of what I’m trying to say. I feel really isolated and misunderstood. People make a lot of assumptions about me that aren’t true.” (Loraine, 76)
“If I were a gay man, I would have had an instant, visible, and long-lasting community that’s still there. But I have no bi+ community, except on the internet and in Zoom rooms.” (Ron, 81)
“One of the ways in which aging bi+ folk are different from aging LG folk that I’ve experienced, is that while LG folk find the LGBTQ support group a place where they can relax immediately (in terms of their sexuality), I have to make decisions with new people about how safe it feels to come out and when to do so. I’m not willing to be in the closet (and this may be due to having a cis-het male partner or maybe it’s just me), but I know there are some people who may not feel they can be all of who they are even in a space that’s designated LGBTQ.” (Melinda, 66)
I asked folks to imagine they were planning to move to a retirement community with two options available. Assuming that they could afford either, and that each provided similar size, structure, and basic services, but one was a “general public” community and the other was specifically LGBTQ+ housing, I asked which they would choose. Most chose the LGBTQ+ option, but it was clear that the gender of their current partner—if any—was a factor, as was whether the individual is culturally LGBTQ+.
I asked a series of questions to identify best practices for providers. The questions were:
As a bi+ elder visiting a health care provider, I would feel more welcome and comfortable if ____________.
Responses included a desire to be asked how they identify, rather than having assumptions made that they were gay or straight; an acknowledgment that they might have a sex life; bi+ specific text on their website, and bi+ specific materials displayed in the reception area and on treatment room walls; a staff that is diverse in terms of sexuality, gender identity and expression, race, etc.; that the provider understand the difference between identity and behavior—being aware that saying you are bi doesn’t necessarily mean you have multiple partners or are even sexually active at all.
As a bi+ elder living in a retirement community, I would feel more welcome and comfortable if ___________.
People wanted to see LGBTQIA+ welcoming signage on the premises, wanted Pride to be acknowledged and celebrated, and that there be LGBTQ+-specific programs. Some wanted to see bi+ programming and to know there were other visible bi+ folks around.
As a bi+ elder about to join in a cancer support group or a bereavement group, I would feel more welcome and comfortable if _________________.
Suggestions included a statement of acceptance of all genders and identities; that group leaders undergo LGBTQ+ and bi+ sensitivity training, use inclusive language, and be committed to interrupting negative reactions or comments from group members; to have other LGBTQ+ people in the group; and to have the option of an LGBTQ+ group.
As a bi+ elder dependent on care for activities of daily living, I would feel more welcome and comfortable if ____________.
Respondents wanted a caretaker who knew and accepted their identity; if possible, an LGBTQ+ caretaker; sensitivity training and a management prepared to intervene, if needed; to feel comfortable putting up family photos; to have more than one partner visiting; and to be simply asked what they want, rather than have others assume things for them.
The keynote was very well received, and I have since presented on this subject elsewhere. I’m currently looking for more opportunities to share out what I’ve learned, as this is a subject about which most caregivers know very little.
And finally, I have decided to expand this study. I’ve now interviewed 19 individuals and would like to speak with at least 35. If you are a bi+ elder (defined here as 60+), live in the U.S., and would like to be interviewed, please reach out to me at robyn@robynochs.com.
NOTE: A bibliography accompanies this article on the Bi Women Quarterly website.
Robyn Ochs is an educator, speaker, grassroots advocate, and editor of Bi Women Quarterly and two anthologies: the 42-country collection Getting Bi: Voices of Bisexuals Around the World and RECOGNIZE: The Voices of Bisexual Men.
Boston’s bi elders were out and proud for the Pride for the People March on June 14. This group alone represents over 100 years of bi activism! They’ve worked on marriage equality, Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell, transgender rights, and many other issues. They are cultural workers, have been bi support group leaders, they’ve written for or edited this publication, have written or published books about bisexuality, and so much more. Cheers to the elders!