By Femily
It took me decades to find the sort of wildly kind and sexually alive community I always wanted—one where I could feel seen, celebrated, and deeply connected. I tried joining some lesbian and queer communities, I dipped into straight ones too—but none fully fit. Each left me feeling left out or less-than. I was so sick of the litmus tests each “side” gave me to see how much I fit in or didn’t.
For me, this wasn’t just about finding bi women—it was about finding my radical community of fiercely feminist, unapologetically bi women who challenge societal norms and embrace bi+ identity in all its messy, magnificent glory. I wanted friends who boldly defy gender and relationship expectations, push back on monogamy and child-rearing as “givens,” reject straight ideals of skinniness and success, and assert trans-inclusive, sexually liberated feminist values—even when it’s uncomfortable. I was looking for fellow women who use our straight-passing privilege to elevate our LGBTQ+ siblings.
When I couldn’t find this kind of community on Meetup, in queer spaces, or in the straight world, I stopped waiting for an invite. And I started to build it myself.
In the early 2000s, I founded MadFemmePride in Boston, a space to bring unity and visibility to queer/bi/trans femmes. Now, in the Bay Area, I host what I call “bi/feminist sleepovers”: intentional spaces where 8-12 women gather to connect, giggle, and peel off societal expectations. They start with a catered dinner party, include fireside feminist-themed discussions, and often include flirty, snuggly, sensual, and/or sexual connections.
These spaces are way more than “nice to have” social gatherings. They’re lifelines. For straight-passing bi/queer femmes like me, they’re rare, sacred spaces where no one is judging your love stories. Where we can fill up our queer/bi/women’s community cup before returning to our “straight”-passing relationships and the hetero-focused world.
If you’re searching for “your people,” here’s my advice: stop waiting for the perfect group to appear. Start with what you wish existed. For you, it might be a bi babes craft night, a queer and Jewish book club, or simply a group chat for bi women who are swingers or polyamorous or anti-racists. Start small or start bold—just start unapologetically and messy and fine-tune it as you go.
What I know from decades of building juicy, thriving communities is that the magic happens when you claim what you want without watering it down. If someone doesn’t vibe with your thing, they can start their own.
In these politically tough times for the LGBTQAI+ community, finding and nourishing our beloved bi+ communities is essential—especially for those of us with hetero-passing privilege. We need spaces where we can recharge, so we can show up stronger for the broader queer movement.
Femily lives in the Bay Area of California in the U.S., and is founder of Future Thought Leader, a visibility clinic for feminist/LGBTQIA people.