By Alyx Marsh
Alyx, I think you are finally beginning to realize just how far you’ve come in life, especially these last few years. The last 12 months have been a doozy, eh?
What do I have to say to you? I know you want to feel better. I know you need to know if it was easy, or hard, or messy, or a combination of all these things. I know you want the details, the step-by-step on how to come out and how to make everything work and how to not hurt anyone. I know how much you hate confrontation and just how much you’ve shoved down through your whole life, just so you don’t make waves for those around you. But you feel so ill now, so unhappy, so dissatisfied with life.
I know you can’t be yourself right now and that living authentically feels out of reach. No wonder you don’t have a voice. No wonder you can’t even begin to find your voice. It’s been silenced so many times in so many ways. Death by a thousand gags.
Right now, life isn’t what you wanted or what you thought you wanted. You want adventure and newness and interesting people and engaging conversations. You want kindness and positivity and non-judgmental space. You want community and connection and friends. You want to be part of something bigger and have something to show for your time here. So much is important to you, and you want to find something to contribute to and to help improve other people’s lives. You don’t want them to feel alone, like you do now.
Loneliness—you know that feeling so well. It’s one thing to be alone, but the kind of loneliness felt while in a crowd of people is the worst feeling. The shame of loneliness bites hard.
But right now, you’re doing the work. You’re finding the people. You’ve not quite reached out yet and found that real-life community which I know is so important to you. But you’re on the cusp of it—you can taste it. You just need to take that leap. And yes, your wings will catch you. Did you know you have wings? They’re big and beautiful with pink, purple, and blue stripes, and while they’re not thoroughly tested yet, they will not fail you, because they innately know how to work.
Deep down, you know your sexuality. You know who you are attracted to, and you don’t have to prove yourself to anyone. But on the outside, it’s different, isn’t it? People want proof, and you feel obligated to give it to them. But you don’t have to. No one is entitled to you.
I know you want to know what happens before it happens; we all do, but you can’t because there’s no growth in that. Life is meant to be a journey that means wrong turns, U-turns, and unexpected destinations. Breakdowns too. All that is part of your journey. And remember, wrong turns can sometimes send you to the most wonderful places.
I won’t tell you everything—you’re not meant to know. You’re meant to trust yourself, and you learn to trust yourself by experimenting and doing and practicing and falling down and getting back up again and repeating the process.
The path is not easy; it’s not meant to be because this is where wisdom grows. But it’s not an ordeal either. The path will test you, but it will also strengthen you. It is there for you to experience, so when it’s time, you can show others the way and help them on their journey, let them know that they’re not the only ones and that they’re not alone.
Your craving for community, for like-minded people and friends, is intense and totally valid. We all need that. You are quite the lone wolf, but you don’t always have to be. You don’t have to go this alone. It doesn’t always have to feel this hard, this uncomfortable, this messy and painful.
You will find your people, and you will find your purpose.
You must speak up, though. You must reveal what’s going on with you. Slowly, little by little. Not everything at once. And you don’t have to tell everyone. Be judicious in what you say and to whom.
You can do this. You will do this. It is the only way.
I love you in every way for all that you are. You are stronger than you think.
A.
Alyx is a 50+ late-in-life, nonbinary bi/omnisexual person using writing as a creative outlet to discover who they really are. Happy to age but not get old, Alyx is a born and bred Australian living in Sydney who loves being outdoors andadding to their tattoo count.