Doubting Myself. Finding Myself. Freeing Myself.

Mar 1, 2024 | 2024 Spring - Letters to Myself, Poetry

By Eleanor Twine

I am now 15.
Some still say,
“It could be a phase”

She’ll grow out of it
“Are you sure?”
Too young to know better
“You’re still growing”
She’ll grow out of it
No one
No one
No one
Says that
If you say
“I’m het”
You don’t
Even need
To say it
They just assume
Of course…
They all assume
It’s only “normal”

After all…
I didn’t
Even know
That bisexual
There is only:
& (maybe)
Was really
An actual thing,
We didn’t
erase bi…
People other than me
People like me
It, you,
just don’t exist
Identified as
Then when
I found it
The right label
I still
Didn’t truly

You are alone
I had all this
You don’t know what is good for you!
But I didn’t
Trust myself
I didn’t look
I didn’t search
I didn’t even try
I just sat
And stayed

It’s not too late…
And waited
And listened
Be careful!
’Til random comments
You can still be “straight,”
“I mainly prefer…”
“70/30 girls more than boys”
“My attraction is random”
“It isn’t always equal”
“It’s more about personality”
“I’m queer”
Just be normal!
“Me too.”

All cobbled together
Into knowledge
Finally gave me
Pay attention!

Enough to
What’s wrong with you?
Trust myself
Trust what I
Had known
Before I even
Acknowledged it
Within myself.
Enough to
Free myself

If I could share
Anything with
My younger self
Who at the
And wonderfully
Turbulent age
Of thirteen
Started discovering
New parts
Of her being
It would be this:
You are not alone
You are not wrong
You do not need
To be anyone
Or anything
Other than you
And you have the ability
The ability to learn
To grow
To find yourself
To find your people
Your community
Do not be afraid
To try
To live
To break
Relinquish the fear
That kept you immobile

Now get out there
Trust yourself
Be proud
And explore

Eleanor Twine is a student in central Australia.

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