By Zar
I have always known, felt, something within myself that was different; I could not pinpoint what, but with growing up and new experiences, I realized I was queer. What a word! Strange, peculiar? That was how I was feeling at first when the doom of that realization hit me.
At the age of 15, I had only known about heterosexual relationships, and homosexual couples were a topic not to be mentioned.
Only when I realized that I was attracted to women, too, did the ever-changing process of self-acceptance begin. The first stage, naturally, was denial and then going in between labels or questioning until finally landing on something most closely described as bisexuality.
To my younger self, questioning relentlessly and denying the painfully obvious, I would say that it is okay, it was okay, and it most definitely will be okay.
It’s okay to question yourself and switch between labels until you are finally content with one, two, or maybe not even a specific one! That is nothing to feel guilty about.
It’s okay to mourn the person society made you play and the traditional wedding your parents may have imagined. Your queerness will never be a disappointment, and whoever tells you so should question their own values and beliefs.
It’s okay to not be ready to come out to someone; your sexuality is yours and yours only, and not everyone should be privileged to know the deepest parts of yourself.
It’s okay to take time to understand yourself and to accept yourself; you shouldn’t feel guilty for not knowing enough or not having experience.
Just because you are unfamiliar with something, does not mean that it’s bad for you. We tend to push away new and “scary” discoveries, especially related to ourselves, and put them in the back of our mind until we forget them, thinking it will somehow help. Perhaps we only gradually start looking for the light switch in the dark and, little by little, we eventually find it, and light pours in and washes over us.
I hope everyone’s self-acceptance process feels like a beam of light in the darkness of everyday life.
Being a part of the LGBTQ+ community and finally coming to terms with my bisexuality has been one of the most wonderful experiences of my life. No matter how frustrating, confusing, and unfamiliar it has been, I couldn’t be happier to have undertaken this journey.
I have learned so many things, met so many wonderful, strong, and empowering people, and I have realized that I am part of an incredible community. I would never change this part of myself, and I couldn’t be prouder.
Zar is an 18-year-old girl from Serbia, studying Philological Sciences and writing.