By Madison King
“It sounds like you want a lesbian relationship with a man,” a friend said jokingly after I shared the qualities I look for in, what they assume, is a singular male partner. The sentence stayed with me for the rest of the evening. “A lesbian relationship with a man”—What does that even mean? This one phrase had so many implications, and I didn’t like any of them. In that moment I was being told that the qualities I listed could only be found in a female partner and that I expected too much from the men I dated. And maybe my expectations are too high, but at least they’re equal. As a bisexual woman, where every flavor of person is on the menu, I won’t change what qualities I’m seeking in a person simply because of what gender they are. I refuse to allow gender roles and gender expectations to be an authority over the dynamic of my romantic relationships. Essentially, I want a queer love. A love that is not always inherently queer because of people who create it, but a love that is queer through its determination to reject the gender status quo.
Here are the current qualities I want in a romantic partner: emotionally intelligent, strong communication skills, values companionship and collaboration, requires no parenting, ambitious in any capacity, nice smile, is politically aligned in a manner that respects and adores women and every other marginalized community, dark hair, willing to approach money equitably, completes household chores without being asked, respects my bisexuality, points out hot people in public, will read my favorite books, always respects my consent, never feels entitled to sex, remembers our anniversary, can find me a thoughtful gift without being spoon-fed ideas, does not want kids and really believes that I don’t want kids despite my uterus ownership, wants to travel, makes an effort with my friends and family, does not yell, respects my space, celebrates my wins and consoles my losses, knows their love language and attachment style and how they show up in a romantic context, is relatively kinky, validates my feelings, open to polyamory, if when practicing polyamory supports me when I date men/AMAB people and doesn’t sexualize when I date women/AFAB people, remembers things I say, can admit when they are wrong, apologizes when it’s needed, is honest, airs out their relationship grievances in a kind, calm, timely manner, loves kissing, doesn’t mind when I stop shaving, knows how much I love my birthday and celebrates accordingly, respects that I’m a homebody, doesn’t vape, understands I’m sensitive, respects that I don’t drink, inspires a love founded on friendship, makes me laugh and thinks I’m funny, knows that romantic relationships take emotional work and vulnerability, and is willing put in that effort, understands that love is a choice and actively keeps choosing me, etc.
This list isn’t set in stone but I believe it clearly captures the kind of people I view as potential partners. It also shows my expectations don’t change based on gender. However, having equal expectations is only one side of it; a queer love is also about the roles each partner takes on within a romantic connection. Meaning, I want to give my boyfriend my sweatshirt if he’s cold. I want my femme girlfriend to pick me up for a date because being driven feels romantic to me. I want to respect my boyfriend when he doesn’t want to have sex and not take it personally because his consent matters just as much as mine. I want to pay for dinner when on a date with my masc girlfriend and bake her cookies when we get home, where I take out the trash because it just grosses her out. I don’t want to be told a male partner isn’t interested on the sole basis that I’m more actively pursuing him. If gender expectations had a place in my relationships, I couldn’t be the kind of partner I want to be, and a queer love gives me that freedom.
On the other hand, sometimes traditional gender roles can feel genuine and authentic to a partnership. I want to pick up and drive my femme girlfriend, because I never wear heels and she can’t go anywhere in anything else. Sometimes, I want my boyfriend to take over and make all the decisions because I’m an eldest daughter and don’t want to be in charge of one more thing. But what matters is that it’s a choice between my partner(s) and me; we decide if and how we participate in those roles rather than blindly accepting the rules of heteronormativity (which can still weasel their way into same-gender relationships). A queer love allows gender roles to be an optional thing that can be picked up, played with, and put down without consequence. I hope that by cultivating this kind of a queer love, I won’t be expected to excuse my partner(s)’ behavior because of their gender, or to limit how I care for my partner(s) because of mine.
Madison King, MA (she/hers) lives in the Boston area of the U.S. and has a master’s degree in Gender, Sexuality, and Culture from University College Dublin in Ireland.