By Kailey Peckford
Recently, a favorite content creator of mine posted something incredibly stigmatizing about polyamory. The post implied that all men who engage in polyamory are automatically suspect.
When she was gently called out for it in the comments, she defended her actions, denying that polyphobia existed since, unlike sexual orientations, polyamory is (according to her) a choice. As a sexual health and violence prevention educator, and more personally, as a pansexual polyamorous woman in a relationship with a man, I was deeply upset by this post, more so than I’d expected myself to be. Since then, I’ve been considering the deep roots of the stigma towards polyamory, its overlap with biphobia, and what a future would look like where people are free to engage in any consensual relational form.
Non-monogamous relationships (an umbrella term to describe any relationship involving more than two people) are not new, although polyamory, as it is currently conceptualized in North America, is a little more recent. Monogamy has historically played a critical role in capitalism as it creates clear lines to indicate how wealth will be passed on through the family line—a history that is also largely patrilineal. Polyamory threatens that line, which may be disturbing to those that benefit from it. Today, stigma toward polyamorous relationships implies that these relationships are exploitative and can cause harm.
As a pansexual woman, I can understand where some of the rhetoric against non-monogamy comes from. I’ve existed in the world of online dating, and been propositioned by couples in open relationships hoping to use me as a sex object to spice up their sex lives. I would argue that rather than this being a symptom of non-monogamy, it is a symptom of a culture that sexually objectifies women more broadly, thus creating the circumstances for these propositions to seem “normal” to the people asking. To be clear, I have nothing against a threesome, or anyone who feels a little turned on by the idea of being treated as a sex object—the problem here is the lack of mutuality and respect, and a power dynamic that can complicate negotiations of consent.
So, is polyamory a choice? Many poly advocates have argued that some people are more oriented towards non-monogamy than others, and that monogamy is both uncomfortable and unrealistic for them, implying that polyamory is less of a choice and more of a relational orientation. Others argue that it is, in fact, a choice, but one with impact, and one that does no harm and thus should not be limited.
So what about polyphobia?
The phrase polyphobia means literally a fear of polyamory. Certainly, this does exist. There is an immense stigma toward polyamorous people—that we are over-sexual, uncommitted, and not really in “serious” relationships. This stigma is reflected structurally as well. Polyamorous people, in most countries, cannot legally marry more than one partner. Does this compare to other “phobias” such as transphobia or homophobia? I don’t actually think it’s useful to compare the severity of stigma in this context. Fighting against polyphobia doesn’t discount the immense harm perpetrated against trans folks, racialized folks, disabled folks, and others facing disproportionate systemic oppression. In fact, queer folks are more likely than heterosexual people to engage in non-monogamy, so fighting for equity for all of these groups at once is perhaps the most obvious way to reach a future where all consensual relationships and ways of loving are simply normal.
So, what does this have to do with biphobia? Let’s backtrack, for a moment, to where we started. The content creator in question argued that polyamory is a choice, and people could just choose not to be in that kind of relationship. Sound familiar, bi and pan friends? People have long been disturbed by bisexual people’s attraction to more than one gender, with stigma stemming both from within and outside the queer community. Like polyamorous people, bisexual people are stigmatized as overly sexual, uncommitted (e.g. more likely to cheat) and often assumed not to be in “serious” relationships when dating someone of the same sex (read: “It’s just a phase”). The reality is, though, that this type of attraction and the relationships that stem from it are natural, normal, and beautiful. They don’t harm anyone, or have any real bearing on people who aren’t involved in the relationship. The same can be said for polyamory.
Can exploitation happen in polyamorous relationships? Absolutely. It can happen in any relationship. As an educator, I spend a lot of time teaching adults about healthy relational and sexual communication, and these skills are necessary (although sometimes lacking) in all forms of relationships. The problem isn’t the relationship structure. So, let’s stop shaming folks for the way they love (are we seriously not over that yet?) and start learning together how to build healthy relationships based on strong communication.
Kailey Peckford, MA lives in Alberta, Canada, began research in the field of gender-based violence in 2017, and has been working in sexual violence prevention education since 2023. Kailey has worked in multiple post-secondary institutions facilitating training and workshops for students, staff, and faculty on topics ranging from supporting survivors of sexual violence to taking accountability for harm. In 2025, Kailey founded For Better Consent Education to offer violence prevention and sex education in her community.