By Amber Ballweg
I turned 50 this year. By the time this is published, I won’t be 50 any more. This is the first milestone that really seemed significant to me, since the 16, 18, and 21-year-old ones.
I don’t have many regrets. I used to think I had none, and maybe then I didn’t. Before I was old enough, experienced enough, to know differently. I’ve generally considered mistakes to be lessons. I mostly think scientifically, so mistakes and failures are things to be learned from and move forward. Now, however, I realize there were missed opportunities. Maybe the first mistake was a fine thing to learn from, but the compounding ones are a bit more suspect. Should I have waited longer to get into a very long-term relationship? Yes. Should I have gotten out of it when it seemed to be going nowhere? Yes. Should I have gotten out of it when it was causing me damage? Yes. Should I have gotten out of it before I became apathetic to my own life? Yes.
The process of getting older comes with benefits. Wisdom is a big one. I know myself better. I don’t let myself go along for the ride, at least not for long. I regularly evaluate my life to make sure I’m still doing what is right for me, even if it means change or challenges. Twenty or thirty years later, making difficult decisions is easier. I’m a little less risk-averse and willing to be more vulnerable about who I am.
The flip side of this is I’m still cautious, physically-speaking. Years of being accident-prone, a decreasing tolerance for pain, and an increasing number of ailments have made me less likely to do something that might end in physical pain or discomfort. My best friend calls me a princess, as I wear gloves to pull weeds or worry about water or mud as slip hazards on the floor. I somewhat agree, but I still worry about it, as I live alone.
This is why I moved a few states away several years ago. I needed to live near people who would be able to care for me, even for a day or two or a handful of meal drop-offs, if something happened to me. I don’t do well living in close proximity to others. I can manage a lover for an overnight or weekend, a road trip with my BFF, and eight hours in a cubicle next to a co-worker. I don’t share my space well or wait in line patiently, and I get irritated when others leave a mess for me to clean. With this, I needed to be somewhere where my people could get to me if I needed assistance, but they do not have to be living with me.
Looking forward, I need to keep managing to this point. How can I be healthier, fitter, more independent, so I can keep living alone, while managing to navigate the challenges I’m overcoming in allowing others to get closer to me emotionally? I’m still working on this. I guess we’re all works in progress, and as long as I keep working towards my goals and learning, I might just make it to the next milestone age. Honestly, I’m looking forward to getting discounts, being the right age to join groups by age again (no one does group things for folks in their forties or the 50-55 crew), and having peers joining me for the old lady things I’ve been doing since I was in my twenties. Cats, crocheting, cozy mysteries, and more to come!
Amber Ballweg lives in the U.S. near Minneapolis, Minnesota and has one cat. She is active in community building among her various identities.