By MQLS
Dear Miranda, Caitlin, and Abigail,
Thank you! Thank you for the light that you shone in my life that broke through the dense fog in which I had been traveling for nearly six decades, enabling me to finally see, accept, and love myself as queer, bisexual, and demisexual, at age 59. When the three of us formed strong friendships with one another, Frank, and T.K., I was trying to understand myself and learning to love myself. I knew that I wasn’t gay, but I also increasingly knew that I wasn’t straight. Despite having spent my whole life pushing back against binary thinking, my mind was, ironically, imprisoned in the 1970s false binary of gay v. straight, locked in by the heteronormative and monosexual norms of my childhood. As we got to know one another, each of you shared with me the core story of your bisexuality, which was the first time that anyone had ever told me that they are bi. You were breaking through the fog of my self-confusion that had been generated by society’s biphobia and bierasure. I learned what bisexuality is. Your stories were uniquely your own—healer Miranda, upbeat Caitlin, fiery Abigail—from two generations younger than mine. And I listened not only with my mind but also with my heart, as your own sense of self resonated with mine. Your words transgressed the binary gender boundaries that are meant to define sexual attraction, and you said the word “queer” with power and pride. You pierced the fog with the glimmer of illumination—that bisexuality is a real, valid, and beautiful way of being.
Thank you for accepting and loving me as I am. In every interaction with the three of you, Frank, and T.K., I heard and sensed your encouragement for me to be my authentic and vulnerable self. When T.K. died, amid our shared grief, each of you stepped up to give me the extra encouragement that T.K. had been providing. Yes, I know that it’s been a two-way mutuality: I have supported, encouraged, accepted, and loved you too. But once I became more aware that I was exploring and trying to understand my queerness, I didn’t know any bi men (at least that I was aware of). In a world with so much bi invisibility among men of my generation, bi+ women lead. Moreover, even though I identify as male, I have culturally feminine characteristics (e.g., empathy, crying and other emotional expression, wearing pink and floral fragrance) and culturally feminine roles (e.g., nurturer, caregiver) that form a non-binary sense of self, perhaps akin to the mānū of Hawaiian culture (as I now understand). I love my complexity, but I was confused. I didn’t have concepts or words. You gave me words—bisexual, demisexual, non-binary, and queer—and you shared with me concepts: f*** the categories, reject the rules and boxes that society tries to force on us, define myself in my own way, be free to be me, love myself.
Thank you for sharing your wisdom and experiences as three bi+ young women to help me to break through my lifelong fog and step into the warmth and light of my own queer sunshine. Together, as friends who love one another, we form a lot of queer joy. And I think that T.K. would be loving this letter—the impact that you have had.
Love, MQLS
MQLS is a 60-year-old who identifies as queer, bisexual/pansexual, and demisexual and lives in a city near the middle of the U.S.