By D’Arcy L. J. White
The first time I came out as bisexual to my family it didn’t take
It’s not that they were embarrassed or ashamed
it was simply overlooked
almost forgotten
My sisters and I talked about who were the prettiest most bang-able (not that they would)
actresses
and I hung a few posters of girl crushes on my bedroom walls
and proceeded to bring home a parade of male one-night stands that must have made it
seem like just a phase
Until I roomed in grad school with a punky younger female friend and my mother announced one night that it
seemed to her “someone had made up their mind”
I puzzled, and ranted, and raged over that one for quite some time
Until she later let it be known she’d “discovered my porn stash”
Like what the actual fuck?
Who really goes through some else’s bedside table?!
And since when did that make me “gay”?
Was it the vintage 1980s queer mags full of naked men and women
getting it on orgy style? the books on male and female genitalia? the Bisexual Women’s Erotica anthology? the book on
threesomes? the ubiquitous hetero-normative 50 Shades? or the kinky Anne Rice Sleeping Beauty trilogy that “gave me
away”?
Maybe it was because, at the time, I didn’t feel the need or see the value of community
I wasn’t reading queer fiction
I didn’t have queer friends
(well, except for that one friend from high school who came out first
as bisexual, but later confused me and broke my heart when he announced he was gay – and who subsequently erased
my sexuality
like dry erase off a white board rendering me invisible in a way that both confused and hurt me again)
But at a time when my sister spent a small fortune buying up all the DVDs (it was the 90s) I spent my meagre dollars
on maybe a dozen films – nearly all of them treasured for their queer content:
Gia; Bound; Brokeback Mountain; Doom Generation; Y Tu Mama También; But I’m a Cheerleader; and Velvet Goldmine
They may not have been great examples
they nearly all followed the “kill your gays” trope, with terrible sad, violent ends
but they were all this queer sheltered kid had to look to for evidence of queer love and sex
I wasn’t trying to hide anything
that happened slowly, over time
with too many long silences when I came out to friends I thought would care more
as I got older and became afraid of losing my job
slowly I learned (taught myself?) that being bi was one more thing to be ashamed of
right up there with being 40-something, fat, and vegan
embarrassed and afraid to be myself
afraid to express my experiences, joys, compassion, and ability to love
This time I think it might actually take
I use the word bisexual – a lot
I’ve marched in the Pride parade with the Toronto Bisexual Network
I post Bi pride & Bi awareness articles all over social media
I’m seeking out dates of any and all genders
(not to prove anything to anyone, but simply because I want to)
I’m reading queer lit, and celebrating music by queer musicians
I knit in Bi pride colours
and hung a bi pride flag on my bedroom door
community has become increasingly important to me
and self-expression
I no longer care what other people think
I’m seeking out what makes me happy
D’Arcy L.J. White is an out and proud solo poly bisexual from Toronto, Ontario, Canada – an arts worker by day, and a bi pride warrior always.
