A Word for That

Aug 3, 2016 | 2016 Summer - Labels, Articles, Poetry

By Courtney Carola

There’s a woman, with blonde hair that looks so soft, I long to run my fingers through it
And when she wears shorts, my hands long to make themselves home on her thighs
I don’t tell a soul but sometimes I think about kissing her
I’m sure there’s a word for that.

There’s a man with dimples in his cheeks and at the bottom of his spine
And when he holds my hand, my heart feels like it’s going to burst right out of my chest
He tells me I’m beautiful, and I think he is too
I’m sure there’s a word for that.

So many people ask me,
“Do you have a boyfriend?”
And even though I don’t always know why, without fail, I always reply, “No, and I don’t have a girlfriend either”
I’m sure there’s a word for that.

I’m often kept awake in the middle of the night because I cannot think of what to call myself
Because “straight” leaves a sour taste in my mouth, but “gay” doesn’t sound right either
And all I know is I long to hold the pretty blonde girl as well as the beautiful boy with dimples
I’m sure there’s a word for that.

It hurts not knowing who I am
It leaves me restless and aching for something, but I don’t know what I need
All I know is when my friends talk about marrying a boy one day, sometimes I think about marrying a girl instead
I’m sure there’s a word for that.

I take to the internet with desperation, hoping to find something – anything – to help soothe the confusion in my mind
And that’s where I find it – “bisexual” – and I feel like Cinderella, because right away, I know it is the perfect fit
And all I can do is smile
Because I knew there was a word for that.

Courtney Carola is a 22-year-old bisexual amateur indie author and college student at Fairleigh Dickinson University, studying to be a teacher. Her hobbies include fighting bi-erasure, reminding everyone that bisexuals are valid and taking pictures of the moon.

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